Quality Time With The Child

Q. During our hosting things went reasonably well as the child expressed both in word and to some degree action a connection to us and a desire to come back to us but at the end -in the airport- upon seeing other children from the program, the child suddenly began treating us as worse than irrelevant. We are now concerned that this child may have seen this trip as no more than an adventure.
I must point out that this event had happened before at the end of the previous hosting. The adoption agency reported to us the that child expressed regret as to how she treated us during that previous event leaving us even more sad and confused by this repeat performance.

A. You have described a fairly typical situation: many parents report that their hosted children were not particularly interested in them the moment they met their friends at the airport. Later these children would send all kind of messages from the orphanage saying that they do want to be adopted by their hosting families, but joining other kids at the time of their departure, they may behave very differently.

There are dozens of "logical" (from the orphanage child perspective) explanations of their behavior, but I have to point out once again that there is absolutely no way to tell, judging by the behavior at the airport, if the child will or will not be capable of attaching to the adoptive family. It's not possible to predict attachment issues even during the initial adjustment period after the adoption. Attachment is a process of creating the relationship between several people, it's not given to an adoptive parent by default, and it's not "granted" to a parent-to-be as a token of gratitude from the child (do not expect any gratitude from adoptees, at least not until adulthood, if at all). Figuratively speaking, attachment is a "two-way street" with no agreed upon rules.

Can anything at all be done to evaluate the risks of poor attachment in the international adoption? Yes, certain things can be done.

First of all, evaluate your motives, your feelings, your expectations. Are you up to a difficult task of bringing up a child with trauma and orphanage in the past? Can you rise above personal hurts and frustration (there will be plenty of that)? Can you love and give time and attention to a child who may be difficult to love and may take years to change? The child would not understand the language in the beginning, but our attitudes are perfectly transferable without any language, and the attitudes are the most effective instructors in our lives. These attitudes will affect the attachment more than anything else.

On the other side - child's side - the most predictive sign of future attachment issues is the previous history of the child: an exposure to trauma, a lack of any attachment figure in the child's life and the presence of certain patterns of the child's behavior in the orphanage. The more pronounced these issues are, the more chances are there for the child to experience difficulties with attachment. But remember, all things considered, these are chances - not necessarily guaranteed problems. International adoption is very much about taking chances.

The honest and detailed answer to those sometime uncomfortable questions may be the only reasonable and reliable answer you can get in response to your concerns. For more info and opinions please see the Newsletter #29: Attaching to my child and other attachment related articles on our sites.